Staying Motivated

Motive : something (as a need or desire) that causes a person to act (definition from Merriam-Webster online)

Staying motivated is the hardest thing for me to do when I'm dieting, most of the time. I enjoy working out, I actually like eating healthy foods, and I love the challenge of losing weight, believe it or not. (I'm very much a competitive person, so it becomes almost a competition against myself during a weight loss attempt).

However, those characteristics aren't always enough to motivate me. I've battled bouts of depression and low self-worth for as long as I can remember. I usually like who I am, but sometimes, I really, really hate myself. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and I very much hate the way I act. I find myself wishing I could just *blink* and be someone else. I find it hard to have fun, hard to enjoy working out or continue eating healthily. I find myself being short with those around me - including the ones I love most, my husband and kids. Then it becomes a cyclical experience - I hate myself more for being short with everyone and it spirals downward until something snaps me out of it. It usually only lasts a day or two, and if I can get some "down" time to myself, I usually feel much better.

It's gotten much worse over the past couple of years - I think it's related to the incredible stress that my life has included since my husband started med school and then followed it with a residency. He's gone at least 80 hours a week, often more than that. Money is extremely tight - his schedule makes it hard for me to find work. So, I find myself the primary caregiver of the kids, the dog, the house, the finances, etc, pretty much 24/7. It's hard. I won't whine about it though - I knew going into this that it was going to get stressful. I was (and am) prepared for it. Do I like it at all times? Nope. But am I dedicated to making our way through it? Yes.

I do think, however, that an unforeseen side effect of his career choice has been harder bouts of depression and self-hatred for me. I constantly feel like I'm running on an inclined treadmill and I just can't ever get off. Most days I just keep plugging away, but then come those days (like today, if you haven't gathered it yet!) where I just cannot find the motivation to get myself into that "Happy Heidi" mode that I try to stay in. It's days like today that I just want a break - when I'd like to get out on my own for a couple of hours and read, or go get a coffee in quiet. Unfortunately, our finances and Mike's schedule do not allow it.

So I find myself, sitting here, trying to figure out how to get myself motivated. I try to find activities for the kids to do that don't require immediate supervision so I can *hopefully* get a few minutes of quiet. I'm going to get on the treadmill again today when Baby #3 goes to bed - even though I don't want to. I know I won't regret it, so I'm trying to make sure I do it every day. So far, I've had great success - four days in a row! - and I don't want to mess that up.

I'm hoping this new blog will help me through those darker times. I've never really been able to write my way through them before - I've tried old school journals, but I had a hard time writing as fast as my mind thought, and I would get frustrated. Typing is much easier!! :) It already feels better today, as I write this. I'm hopeful.

Just recently, I attended a youth event at which I was able to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. While there, I talked to the priest about my sins. As we talked, I realized that a lot of my problems - both in my behaviour and my viewpoint - stem from not accepting the fact that God does love me, but I was having a hard time believing it. I wasn't accepting that - or acting on that love. I realized, as I was sitting there with the priest, that I needed to work harder at recognizing - and accepting - God's love. And it had to start with me: I had to truly believe that I was worth it, that I was worthy of being loved. I had to learn to love myself.

I think finding my motivation will stem from learning to love myself, and learning to accept God's love for me. If I can wrap myself around the idea that I am worthy of that love, then I think I might find motivation to take better care of myself. How could I mistreat myself, if I truly believe that I am worthy of God's love?

I'm curious - for those of you out there, reading this - what motivates you? What keeps you plugging along in your lives, whether it be related to exercise or not?

Thank you for reading.

The Hurdle That is McDonalds

As I drove around Portland today (well, Portland, South Portland, Scarborough, and Cape Elizabeth!!), I got to thinking about bribery and my children. Why would that come to mind, you may ask?

I bribed my children with McDonald's today. Well, kind of with McDonald's - with milkshakes. I don't know about you, but I love McDonald's. Seriously. There is honestly no other fast food that I love as much as I do good ol' McDonalds. There's something about the burgers, the fries dipped in sweet and sour sauce (don't laugh until you try it!), milkshakes, and the crack-infused Diet Coke that just gets to me. When I was pregnant with Baby #3, I got the bigger boys and myself into a dangerous habit. Once a week, after picking Baby #1 up from school, we'd get McDonald's for lunch. Now that Baby #3 is a whole year old, I've been really trying to cut back and make McDonald's a "special" treat.

Somehow McDonald's became the bribery reward for good behaviour. After a busy morning of doctor's appointments, shopping, and errand-running, I found myself pulling into our bank to make a deposit. As I pulled in, I heard myself say, "You guys have been such good listeners today - if you keep it up for one more errand, you can have a milkshake!!." McDonald's was conveniently across the street from the bank.

Once it was out of my mouth and the little angels in the backseat were sufficiently excited, I found myself wishing I could take it back. At what point did I make McDonald's (and therefore, fast food and junk food) a reward? Isn't that how I got myself into my own mess to begin with? Didn't I reward myself with food, day after day, and in the process gain all that weight? I'd tell myself that I deserved the chocolate after the kids went to bed because I made it through a hard day....I deserved the ice cream during naptime because I had worked so hard that morning....I deserved the full meal for a "snack" at night because I'd worked out on the treadmill.

I decided that it might be time to rethink my bribery tools. With three boys, ages 5, 3 and 1, there's no way that I am going to give up the bribery leverage completely - but I think that a trip to the Hot Wheels aisle at the toy store will be next on my to-do list (After all - it'll end up saving me money in the long run. A child-sized milkshake is $1.30 - a car is only $0.97!!!)

Sabotage!

Many people have told me that I will certainly cause a "eating disorder" in my girls if I continue to try and lose weight. They say I am not "fat". Perhaps I am not obese however I am not where I was before, nor where I need to be to feel happy.

Starting a diet plan at a family member's house isn't always easy. This is TRULY the case when you are at your parents house and they feel you don't need to lose weight.

This morning my father chose to pick up donuts. These, like cake, are a weakness of mine. Sitting at the table with the entire family it was hard to say, I won't eat any because I am on a diet. I didn't want my girls to think that I was choosing that because I felt sad about my body, so I did choose to partake. I just ate a half of a donut.

So perhaps, I am still reaching towards my goal of better food choices, and even more so...portion control!

Food Plans and My Shopping Expedition to find a Cocktail Dress

So Heidi posted about Weight Watchers and her experience prior to kiddos. I have never tried it, though when I managed Applebee's we had the opportunity to sell "Weight Watchers" meals and I would chuckle as people would order them adding Ranch Dressing to the Weight Watcher's Quesadilla or something like that....do they add those points in?

In any case, I would love to try the program and learn more about it however like Heidi, the cost is of concern for us. So that option is not reasonable. Like I said before its what I eat, why I eat and when I eat paired with the amount I eat.

So today I went shopping. It was my first time in a while looking for a formal dress. I have a formal even in January and I don't have a "cocktail" dress nor do I have a gown to wear to the evening of wining and dining. So out I went with one baby in tow.

First Stop: BCBG. I found a dress I loved. It was an 8 which I tried to ignore. Some scoff at that however being a 2 or 4 most of my life, this feels overwhelming to me. It had a silver silk top with a drop waist and a black pencil skirt. I had visions of taking the skirt up to make it a little shorter, grabbing some silver tights and some sweet heels to complete the outfit. I felt like a million bucks. It cost close to it. At $565.00 it was half off. So looking at the tag, I took it off and set it aside. I couldn't justify it especially with the fact that I would have to buy nylons, tights, accessories and of course a bag. So it went back to the shelf.

I stopped in a few other stores. Nothing seemed right. On the off chance I may find something, I popped into Jones New York. I never liked anything there however perhaps they had dresses. I walked around staring at the definitive "mom" styles and found 3 dresses to try on. Grabbing 8's I headed to try them on. Dress one, TOO BIG. Loved it though. I tried to find a 6, no luck. Dress two, TOO BIG. Loved it but didn't know if there was another, I checked and there was a 6. So I grabbed the third dress in a 6 as well. Two more to try on. And score. They both fit. I ended up spending a whopping $29.00 on it and felt pretty good, it was a 6. Perhaps this road will have its ups paired with its downs! And maybe we're starting on the right foot.

Why not Weight Watchers again?

I have been asked that question SO many times over the past 24 hours, as our blog has become known to friends and family, and friends and family of our friends and family. :)

For those of you who don't know, back before Mike and I got married, we joined Weight Watchers. I lost 60 pounds and he lost 40. We did great on it, and both thoroughly enjoyed the information and fellowship that we found through the meetings. We called our Wednesday night classes our "Date Night" and soon found a group of friends at those meetings - and I'm proud to say that I'm still in contact with some of those friends, even 1000s of miles away in another state. They have been a great source of support for me over the past couple of years.

However, we chose not to re-join Weight Watchers during this attempt at losing weight. A lot of people have asked us why - and the answer is simple: it's not "right" this time around. There are no "bad" feelings about WW or we haven't lost our love for the program. It's just not right - our challenges and resources are different this time around.

Back then, we were young(er), kid-less, and both working full time. We had more expendable income, more stability in schedules (which led to packing healthy lunches and working in more gym time), and our lifestyle going into WW was completely unhealthy. We drank LOTS of regular soda, lathered things in cheese, butter, and sour cream, and ate huge, full-fat portions of everything. A lot of that weight-loss success was due purely to changing WHAT kinds of foods we ate or drank.

Things are totally different now. While I still think WW is the healthiest diet plan out there, it's not the right one for me right now. The meetings are affordable - but the babysitting cost of someone watching the 3 children added on makes it unaffordable. My diet going into WW this time would not need as drastic of a change - I eat lots of fruits and veggies, lean meats, "real" multi-grain breads, and I'm already working out. I've been trying to do WW on my own for the past 6 months - and seeing as I've actually put weight ON over that six months, it's not working.

I think what my body (and more importantly, my mind) needs this time around is a "shock." I need to have to re-think my food choices. I need to have to weigh my options and really have to choose what is and isn't good for me at this moment. Going back on WW wasn't enough to get me to stop and think. I counted my points, stayed within my range, but was just maintaining my weight - I wasn't making good choices with my points. I'd eat the 1 point toast with 2 points of peanut butter 4 times a day. I was still in my points range, but I wasn't eating enough of veggies and other choices out there. THAT'S what this diet is doing: making my "normal" food choices "abnormal" again, so that I actually have to think about what I'm doing.

So far it's working. I feel better, and I'm down 5 pounds since Saturday (although I'm sure that is mostly due to drinking more water again). Next on the "to-do" list is trying to find a way to work exercise back into my schedule with three demanding kids always around.

Any suggestions?

In the beginning....

I was never happy with my body, but looking back, I suppose I may have been better looking than I once thought, but like Heidi, three children, a husband who worked constant hours and little help over the past 4 years, I have grown and changed not only emotionally but physically as well.

In the past few months, my husband and I have relocated half way across the country. With his finishing his Ph.D., our selling our home, moving in temporarily with my parents in their summer cottage, traveling east and living in a completely new world, I continued to make excuses as to when I would lose weight.

I had had a baby. I had a lot going on. I couldn't find time to work out. Eating made me calm. However, all these excuses have allowed me to grow a fond hatred for my body and raising children, girls especially, I need to show them how to treat and respect the one body God chose to give them.

Recently I got to a point where I was so sad, that I began to be depressed. Well, I think it was depressed, when I watched that Cymbalta commercial it sure seemed like me but in reality I think I am just "situation depressed". Is that a clinical diagnosis? I am not sure, but I am also no physician...however as a lay person with no medical experience I have diagnosed myself as "Situationally Depressed". That situation HAS to change.

Shortly before my family and I left for the holiday's I began working out. Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred was great however waiting for my husband to return home was not. After taking care of the girls, homeschooling, running errands, cooking, cleaning and whatever else the day encompassed, I was simply too exhausted by the time the girls were in bed. So I tried working out with them. Yeah, right. With my oldest laying next to me trying to do push ups exclaiming "This is too Hard" to my middle sitting on my back while I tried to do said push ups, it just wasn't working. So I checked out some other options.

I checked out some gyms, just not feasible. The $49.00 a month fee is no issue, its the extra $45.00 child care fee that seems to make it near impossible. See, even with my husband's good job we try to be frugal.

Shortly after checking out the gyms we began our holiday travels. Holiday travels=holiday eating and HOLIDAY WEIGHT GAIN! So I decided I would try to change my eating habits NOW because if I could do it NOW then I could do it anytime. Its not been fool proof but I have gotten in some good long walks, over an hour. Even with that it seems my pants are tighter, so its time to buckle down.

So I talked to Heidi about my challegnes and my feelings, and she has similar ones. So we decided to go on this journey together. Even though we're miles apart, we plan to support each other and challenge each other. This morning Heidi got up and realized she's already lost 5 pounds. WAY TO GO! I am slightly jealous but still really proud of her!!!!! I however have lost nothing. I need to get some batteries for my scale upon my return home and I hope to have 20 pounds gone by my Birthday, June 30! Hot and Awesome for 31.

3 kids and 80 pounds ago......

How many times have I said that?

How many times have I said, as a joke, "I used to do (insert some activity or sport here), but that was 3 kids and 80 pounds ago!"

If I had a dollar for every time I've made that joke over the past year, I'd not be worried about finding a job, or what kind of job Mike (my husband - a medical resident with a little over a year left to go) was going to get. I'd be rich, plain and simple.

The joke started as a little way to lighten up the atmosphere at playdates - you know, that moment when everyone starts to get uncomfortable because someone's taking the "baby weight" jokes a little too far. The moms in the room can sense that someone is starting to get a little bit on the depressed side - and this was my cue. I'd crack the joke about "3 kids and 80 pounds ago" and everyone would nervously chuckle, someone would comment "Ain't that the truth!" and we'd move on to our next topic.

It wasn't until this morning that I realized the joke was no longer funny: it was TRUE.

I have almost exactly 80 pounds to go until I'm back at my goal weight: The weight I was just before getting married. Before having 3 kids......and before I lost sight of how important it was to really put myself first.

Now don't get me wrong: I love my children. They're fun, they're cute, they're the spark of light amongst all the stress in my life (Did I mention that my husband was a resident? haha). But, as I realized today, I let my boys (all 4 of them - the 3 kids and the husband) become my clutch when it came to taking care of myself.

Didn't get to shower today? Oh, it's okay - it's because Baby #1 needed a bath and obviously couldn't give it to himself!

Didn't get to work out today? Oh, it's okay - Baby #3 wanted to cuddle and he's only this little once.

Only ate slice of toast after slice of toast? Oh, it's okay - Babies #1 and #2 had school things that I had to shuttle them to, and toast is easy "on the go." I'll do better tomorrow at preparing snacks in advance.

Ate 5 dozen cookies over a 3 day period? Oh, it's okay - the boys had fun making them.



(get my point?)

Over the past 5 years, I've become good at many things: cloth diapering, reading Dr. Suess books, installing many different brands and styles of car seats, cooking tasty meals that my boys will one day brag about (I hope!), making fun 3D birthday cakes. I've also become an expert at putting myself last. I'm the last one to go to bed. I'm the last one to sit down. I'm the last one to shower and brush my teeth. I'm the last one to eat, which usually translates into inhaling my portion and then picking off the leftovers off of everyone else's plates as I clean up the kitchen.

In 5 years, I've let myself gain almost 80 pounds by putting myself last.

Today, I made a decision.



This has to come to an end. I will lose the weight. I will take better care of myself - physically, emotionally, and mentally. Sure, I'll make the 5 dozen cookies with the kids - because we all enjoy to bake together. Will I eat them all? No, I won't. I will start thinking of myself and my health first.

The diet started today. My husband and I are starting a low-carb diet. He has an interview at a Big 10 college in 6 weeks - by then we both need to be able to fit in our "nice" clothes, seeing as we can't afford to buy new ones on a resident's salary with a family of 5. Today's day 1, and it's going pretty well so far.

I've never really been a fan of the whole "low carb" fad. It doesn't seem healthy to me to cut out dairy and fruit, at least for long periods of time. But I'm trying it for another reason: I am addicted to sweets and those slices of toast I mentioned earlier in the post. I've found a version of the Atkins diet (don't worry - I have discussed this with medical professionals!) that will help me work those things back into my diet after a couple of weeks. I find myself thinking of the sweets and bread more than anything else today - I'm definitely jonesing for them. The cravings and desires are SO strong that I actually feel like I'm in some kind of "Carb Rehab" program. I *think* I may have been eating too many of them if the cravings are this strong!! So for now, I'll do two weeks of pretty much no sugar or carbs, and we'll go from there.

This blog (and my friend joining me on it) will be my motivation and my accountability. Together we'll record our experiences as Moms on a Mission - trying to find the new "us." We're each taking a different path to get to the new versions of ourselves (after all, we have different goals and roadblocks!), but we're here to share it together.

We'd like you to join us.