How many times have I said that?
How many times have I said, as a joke, "I used to do (insert some activity or sport here), but that was 3 kids and 80 pounds ago!"
If I had a dollar for every time I've made that joke over the past year, I'd not be worried about finding a job, or what kind of job Mike (my husband - a medical resident with a little over a year left to go) was going to get. I'd be rich, plain and simple.
The joke started as a little way to lighten up the atmosphere at playdates - you know, that moment when everyone starts to get uncomfortable because someone's taking the "baby weight" jokes a little too far. The moms in the room can sense that someone is starting to get a little bit on the depressed side - and this was my cue. I'd crack the joke about "3 kids and 80 pounds ago" and everyone would nervously chuckle, someone would comment "Ain't that the truth!" and we'd move on to our next topic.
It wasn't until this morning that I realized the joke was no longer funny: it was TRUE.
I have almost exactly 80 pounds to go until I'm back at my goal weight: The weight I was just before getting married. Before having 3 kids......and before I lost sight of how important it was to really put myself first.
Now don't get me wrong: I love my children. They're fun, they're cute, they're the spark of light amongst all the stress in my life (Did I mention that my husband was a resident? haha). But, as I realized today, I let my boys (all 4 of them - the 3 kids and the husband) become my clutch when it came to taking care of myself.
Didn't get to shower today? Oh, it's okay - it's because Baby #1 needed a bath and obviously couldn't give it to himself!
Didn't get to work out today? Oh, it's okay - Baby #3 wanted to cuddle and he's only this little once.
Only ate slice of toast after slice of toast? Oh, it's okay - Babies #1 and #2 had school things that I had to shuttle them to, and toast is easy "on the go." I'll do better tomorrow at preparing snacks in advance.
Ate 5 dozen cookies over a 3 day period? Oh, it's okay - the boys had fun making them.
(get my point?)
Over the past 5 years, I've become good at many things: cloth diapering, reading Dr. Suess books, installing many different brands and styles of car seats, cooking tasty meals that my boys will one day brag about (I hope!), making fun 3D birthday cakes. I've also become an expert at putting myself last. I'm the last one to go to bed. I'm the last one to sit down. I'm the last one to shower and brush my teeth. I'm the last one to eat, which usually translates into inhaling my portion and then picking off the leftovers off of everyone else's plates as I clean up the kitchen.
In 5 years, I've let myself gain almost 80 pounds by putting myself last.
Today, I made a decision.
This has to come to an end. I will lose the weight. I will take better care of myself - physically, emotionally, and mentally. Sure, I'll make the 5 dozen cookies with the kids - because we all enjoy to bake together. Will I eat them all? No, I won't. I will start thinking of myself and my health first.
The diet started today. My husband and I are starting a low-carb diet. He has an interview at a Big 10 college in 6 weeks - by then we both need to be able to fit in our "nice" clothes, seeing as we can't afford to buy new ones on a resident's salary with a family of 5. Today's day 1, and it's going pretty well so far.
I've never really been a fan of the whole "low carb" fad. It doesn't seem healthy to me to cut out dairy and fruit, at least for long periods of time. But I'm trying it for another reason: I am addicted to sweets and those slices of toast I mentioned earlier in the post. I've found a version of the Atkins diet (don't worry - I have discussed this with medical professionals!) that will help me work those things back into my diet after a couple of weeks. I find myself thinking of the sweets and bread more than anything else today - I'm definitely jonesing for them. The cravings and desires are SO strong that I actually feel like I'm in some kind of "Carb Rehab" program. I *think* I may have been eating too many of them if the cravings are this strong!! So for now, I'll do two weeks of pretty much no sugar or carbs, and we'll go from there.
This blog (and my friend joining me on it) will be my motivation and my accountability. Together we'll record our experiences as Moms on a Mission - trying to find the new "us." We're each taking a different path to get to the new versions of ourselves (after all, we have different goals and roadblocks!), but we're here to share it together.
We'd like you to join us.
Heidi, your an inspiration. And I feel you, sister. Coming "last" cause you've got to sucks. And you know what, there is a lesson to teach our children in putting ourselves first! While I've got another week to go before I commit to getting those last 20-30 pounds off (I know lame, but at least it's honest), I'm done with it. My real "inspiration" is my dear 8-month old daughter. I want nothing more than for her to grow up with a healthy, realistic body image and not be on the perpetual diet train I've been on for the past 25 years. While my mom is a wonderful person, I've framed my eating life around hers. Yo-yo dieting for years and years, some years of healthy body weight, many years of being overweight and some of being scarily thin. I just can't do that to my kids.
ReplyDeleteAnd I want my kids to know that I think I'm special too! That I deserve all the good stuff in life they do and that I appreciate it. I am glad to come here and communicate with women I know. It puts a face on it all! And possibly some accountability. About 6 years ago, I weighed the least and was in physically the best shape I had been in my entire adult life. Then I moved across country, 2 times, and then I had 2 kids. I'm done. Done making excuses that it's not the right time.
Your courage is astounding. And you're one of the most amazing people I've met in a long time! God Bless. Jenn
You guys rock, we can do this, and we will do this!!! I am in this with you, and we will all have to hold each other accountable....on that note, I've got to go run to the OR....
ReplyDeleteMike
How do I sign up?
ReplyDeleteIt's true: One can become an expert at putting oneself last, and that is not the message I want to give my daughters. I have multiple reasons to lose weight (just like everyone else) that don't include my vanity, and just as many excuses along the way. When I've experienced success, it's required having integrity in the moment of choice about who I am, and what I REALLY want. Not having that integrity when I reach for another truffle, and go for the sugar/carb non-fix fix is part of my first steps. I had read the Geneen Roth books, attended the seminars, on compulsive eating, and know who I am about it, but choose to (consciously!) not be conscious about eating. Is that not a little nuts?!
I'm considering the "Couch to 5K" program, too. But I'm with you, either way, and support for weight loss is so important, especially if you are changing a lifestyle. I see myself as having an addiction, and having support while you get through the first parts of that lifestyle change is so important.
You can do it!!