Staying Motivated

Motive : something (as a need or desire) that causes a person to act (definition from Merriam-Webster online)

Staying motivated is the hardest thing for me to do when I'm dieting, most of the time. I enjoy working out, I actually like eating healthy foods, and I love the challenge of losing weight, believe it or not. (I'm very much a competitive person, so it becomes almost a competition against myself during a weight loss attempt).

However, those characteristics aren't always enough to motivate me. I've battled bouts of depression and low self-worth for as long as I can remember. I usually like who I am, but sometimes, I really, really hate myself. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and I very much hate the way I act. I find myself wishing I could just *blink* and be someone else. I find it hard to have fun, hard to enjoy working out or continue eating healthily. I find myself being short with those around me - including the ones I love most, my husband and kids. Then it becomes a cyclical experience - I hate myself more for being short with everyone and it spirals downward until something snaps me out of it. It usually only lasts a day or two, and if I can get some "down" time to myself, I usually feel much better.

It's gotten much worse over the past couple of years - I think it's related to the incredible stress that my life has included since my husband started med school and then followed it with a residency. He's gone at least 80 hours a week, often more than that. Money is extremely tight - his schedule makes it hard for me to find work. So, I find myself the primary caregiver of the kids, the dog, the house, the finances, etc, pretty much 24/7. It's hard. I won't whine about it though - I knew going into this that it was going to get stressful. I was (and am) prepared for it. Do I like it at all times? Nope. But am I dedicated to making our way through it? Yes.

I do think, however, that an unforeseen side effect of his career choice has been harder bouts of depression and self-hatred for me. I constantly feel like I'm running on an inclined treadmill and I just can't ever get off. Most days I just keep plugging away, but then come those days (like today, if you haven't gathered it yet!) where I just cannot find the motivation to get myself into that "Happy Heidi" mode that I try to stay in. It's days like today that I just want a break - when I'd like to get out on my own for a couple of hours and read, or go get a coffee in quiet. Unfortunately, our finances and Mike's schedule do not allow it.

So I find myself, sitting here, trying to figure out how to get myself motivated. I try to find activities for the kids to do that don't require immediate supervision so I can *hopefully* get a few minutes of quiet. I'm going to get on the treadmill again today when Baby #3 goes to bed - even though I don't want to. I know I won't regret it, so I'm trying to make sure I do it every day. So far, I've had great success - four days in a row! - and I don't want to mess that up.

I'm hoping this new blog will help me through those darker times. I've never really been able to write my way through them before - I've tried old school journals, but I had a hard time writing as fast as my mind thought, and I would get frustrated. Typing is much easier!! :) It already feels better today, as I write this. I'm hopeful.

Just recently, I attended a youth event at which I was able to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. While there, I talked to the priest about my sins. As we talked, I realized that a lot of my problems - both in my behaviour and my viewpoint - stem from not accepting the fact that God does love me, but I was having a hard time believing it. I wasn't accepting that - or acting on that love. I realized, as I was sitting there with the priest, that I needed to work harder at recognizing - and accepting - God's love. And it had to start with me: I had to truly believe that I was worth it, that I was worthy of being loved. I had to learn to love myself.

I think finding my motivation will stem from learning to love myself, and learning to accept God's love for me. If I can wrap myself around the idea that I am worthy of that love, then I think I might find motivation to take better care of myself. How could I mistreat myself, if I truly believe that I am worthy of God's love?

I'm curious - for those of you out there, reading this - what motivates you? What keeps you plugging along in your lives, whether it be related to exercise or not?

Thank you for reading.