Overcoming the Obstacles

It's been pretty quiet here on The New Us: Moms on a Mission blog. I am truly sorry about that! To be totally honest, it's been hard to blog recently for both Ellie and I. We've hit our first real set of struggles, I think. It was bound to happen, and we're both working our way through them.

I can't write for Ellie, but can tell you a little bit about my own struggles recently. I've almost always been on the overweight side of things. Shopping for clothes was really only "fun" for a brief period of time during college where I was actually a size that I could buy trendy clothes in. Pretty much every other point of my life, I've struggled with my weight. It's so much a part of my daily life that it almost feels "normal."

I'm sure some of you out there can identify with that, especially when I look at the statistics regarding how much of the American population is "overweight." There are a lot of us out there. I'm also sure that some of you have tried to convince yourself that you're happy at the weight you are. (While I do know that there are some people that are 100% comfortable in their own, overweight, skin, I'm guessing that the majority of you were more like me). What do I mean by that, you might be asking yourself? Let me explain...

Do you tell everyone that you're happy with yourself, even as you beat yourself up every night for eating something that you "shouldn't" have?

Do you claim that beauty is more than your weight, and that you feel like a beautiful, confidant person, even as you cut yourself down for not working out that day (or week)?

If you're like me, even if you're trying to keep it a secret, you'd answer yes to both of those questions. Even when I'm overweight, I tell people that I don't care about my weight as long as I'm a "healthy" person (and just FYI, my blood pressure, cholesterol, etc are great, except for during this last pregnancy, and it's all back to "normal" now). I may say that, but it's not really true. I HATE being overweight and not being able to wear "cute" clothes, but instead have to reach for the jeans and tshirts that so many of us moms wear. I hate not being able to fit into plane seats or , heck, even the seats at Disney World, comfortably. I hate not being able to run and play with my kids without getting winded.

And right now, I hate myself for not losing more weight yet. I know, I know, I've lost 21 pounds in the past 6 weeks, and I'm super happy about that. Well, my mind is happy with that. But my heart isn't. My heart is disappointed in myself for the days that I didn't work out. My heart is sad that when I went coat shopping this past weekend, I couldn't even find an XL that fit over my hips. My logical part of my brain is telling me that I'm doing a great job and that I just need to keep working at it - but the emotional part of my brain just wants to drown my "sorrows" in ice cream.

Lots of ice cream.

So, my two brains (I know some of you probably don't even think that I have ONE brain, much less two, but go along with the idea right now. It'll help you get through this post) are arguing right now. A lot. My logical brain is telling me not to give up and just to keep plugging away, even though I'm tired and having a hard time getting in workouts, and all of that stuff that I blogged about last time. My emotional brain is telling me that I've always been fat (it does use the word FAT, not OVERWEIGHT. My emotional brain is not very nice....) and that really, does it matter whether or not I lose weight? I mean, I've always been fat, and I've never known anything else, other than a few years in college, so why start changing things now? That side of my brain is telling me that it's just TOO HARD to keep trying to workout and keep trying to eat well, and so on....and that I should just give up and be "happy" in the skin I'm in.

My logical side is fighting a valiant effort, but to be totally honest, the emotional side has a much more appealing argument. It's taken a lot of my willpower to stick to the plan that the logical side is advocating for. A LOT OF WILLPOWER.

There are days that I don't know if I can go much further on this journey.



Then there are days that I feel better about the fact that my pants are falling off of me (except for when I realize that I don't have the next size down, nor do I have the money to go buy new ones, but we'll deal with that later...), and I can make a good food choice at my next meal.

I'm trying to hold on tightly to those days. So far, I am. But it has been a struggle....and I've been embarrassed to admit it to the big, bad, internet world.




Until today.

Today, I'm admitting that I'm struggling. And that it's okay.




I CAN and WILL keep fighting.....


How about you?