It seems like the perennial struggle: moms who stay home with the kids want to go back to work, and moms who work want to be able to stay home. Nearly every time I talk to a mom - no matter what her occupation (SAHM - that's stay at home mom for those of you not up to speed on the abbreviations - or working mom) - the topic eventually ends up coming back to this great feeling of disillusionment with the current occupation.
I wonder if men go through this struggle? Although we've never talked about it in great depth, I don't think my husband has this internal debate very often, if at all. He may not like all of the politics and drama that goes along with being the only male resident in a world of female OB/GYN residents, he thoroughly loves his job. He loves the work he does - it both challenges and fulfills him. From other men that I've talked to, it seems to be the same kind of thing for them. Most men that I know - especially if they went to school to pursue some specific career - are pretty content in their day-to-day obligations and occupation.
Why is it that we women are constantly second-guessing the "career" path that we have chosen?
Some are quick to blame society - either that they don't give enough credit to the work that moms that stay home do, or that they don't allow women to climb as high on the career ladder and therefore, are not allowing working moms the same sort of fulfillment.
Some are quick to blame their own parents or their spouse - someone else is not providing enough support for them to achieve their personal goals.
I used to joke that "The Feminist Movement caused my depression," in that I constantly felt that the goal I'd held for myself since I was a child (to be a mom) wasn't "good enough" in today's standards. I was a failure, or letting myself down if I was "just" a mom, even though that was all that I wanted to do - what I had always felt was my primary vocation in life.
Nowadays, I'm not too sure that has anything to do with the feeling of discontent that I've struggled with for the past 10ish years as I tried to figure out what to be "when I grew up." Over the past few months, I've really spent time reading and learning more about my Catholic faith, and really taken the time to get to know Mary, the mother of Jesus. She's become a source of inspiration to me, and a source of strength as I try to be the best mother that I possibly can be.
I realize now that I had been looking at it the wrong way all along - I wasn't searching for something else to make me feel fulfilled or happy. I wasn't searching for the "right" career. The problem was that I wasn't really seeing the career I had been called into. I have been called to be a mom - and that is what will fulfill and challenge me, if I let it.
Sure, some of the days are really hard and the kids fight and I just want to get out of the house for 15 minutes or go and get a coffee and take a deep breath. But that's okay. Think about a "real" 9-5 job - you get breaks, right? There are meetings that you sit through that you just want to scream and shout at your coworkers because of the bickering or the lack of productivity. These are the meetings that you follow with a quick walk around the parking lot in the cool air, or with the 15 minute coffee break with the trusted coworker. There's no reason why I can't allow myself the same break during my job as a mom.
So this summer, one of the reasons that I haven't been around that much is that I've been focusing on my job as mom as a source of fulfillment. I'm taking the time to plan our days - outings, and days at home - and to make sure that I get those 15 minute breaks throughout the day. The boys are still little (6, 4, and 20 months), so it's not like I can leave them alone, but what I can do is set up a playroom in the basement next to the treadmill (which I did), and take them down there for only 30 minutes a day. It's new, and fun, for them as they get to play with toys that they only see for 30 minutes a day, and I get to plug in my earphones and focus on me (I usually end up listening to Christian music, so it's also a time for me to focus on my faith and meditate on something that I've read/seen/heard that day). That 30 minute break has become a needed part to our daily schedule - for all of us.
Another option (when it was too hot to stay home in the non-air conditioned house) was what a friend of mine calls "taking a sanity drive." My kids are little, so most of the time the heat would tire them out and being in an air conditioned car would do wonders for putting them to sleep. I'd drive until they fell asleep, go get a $1 coffee from McDonald's and park somewhere and read or journal as they slept in the air conditioning. If your kids are older, there's NOTHING wrong with letting them go play in an air conditioned McDonald's playland as you drink that coffee (as long as you bring along the Purell - haha).
I feel like I've come around full circle in the past 6 months and realized that I was working my dream job already - I just needed to change my viewpoint. Motherhood IS a job, and some of us ARE really called to it as our vocation. We have gifts and talents that need to be put to use in raising the next generation.
I realize that not everyone is called to the same career in life - there are moms out there who are not stay at home moms, either due to their family's financial need, or their own personal needs. And this is great, too. I think the sooner we can realize that we moms come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, and careers, the better off we all will be. I'm not better than anyone else because I'm at home with my kids - and my kids will not be better off SOLELY because I'm a stay at home mom. My kids will be better off because I've realized that being a stay at home mom is what makes me happy and fulfilled - and challenges me to be a better person. I think as soon as a mom comes to that realization of her calling in life - whether it be an out-of-the-home career or an in-home one - her kids will be better off, too.
Thoughts?
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