I'm afraid...

of what the scale is going to say, so I am avoiding it like the plague. I have done so well up until yesterday. Every day until yesterday I have worked out. I have eaten healthy and made good choices. I am down a total of 9 pounds with 12 to go, back to pre-4th pregnancy weight. I will NEVER be my true pre-pregnancy weight again and I just need to accept that. This week has been overwhelming and hectic. We had our Nature Camp on Tuesday for our Large Homeschool Group. We had our Catholic Homeschool Group at our house Wednesday. I had 2 playdates and babysat one morning on top of our schooling, errands, dance and every day chores. To top it off, our oldest hit the big "05". I know, its silly but I was emotionally drained from it. She was born in 2005, and turned "5" yesterday. I wanted it to be perfect. I planned and executed with great style and grace but also fell off the eating wagon yesterday morning when she said "please mom, have a donut". It was HER birthday. But then it lead to "PLEASE MOM, its my birthday, will you have cake?" How could I possibly say no to her when she was asking for me to share in the celebration of her life. Then today I just wanted to throw in the towel. Its so much easier to go back to my old ways, to throw in the towel and stop exercising. To eat what I want. Heck, most of what I ate tasted better anyway. Chips and Cheese or Bean Salad. What would you want? Pizza or Spinach Salad with Gorgonzola, Veggie Chicken and Walnuts? Okay, I can actually say the latter two options now sound good to me...but yesterday, they just didn't.

I think this is how it all begins. You hear people make resolutions every year and yet, each year they sound remarkably similar to the year before. Great expectations, great hopes and thoughts of changes being good but it seems keeping to the changes is the main problem...not making them initially. I had worked out consistently every day until yesterday. Then, I skipped. I was exhausted, ate poorly and woke up feeling pretty glum about myself today. There was sobbing on the floor of my bathroom because of how I felt about myself and the fact people may see me looking as I do. My self-esteem seems to have fallen off the planet. And I guess its time to look for some new esteem about myself and my body. So I started with a cup of coffee...and....some outdoor chores. I skipped breakfast and now I am ravenous. Its almost 3 p.m. so I grabbed a few chips and called it good.

Tonight I have a formal dinner to attend for my husband's job and I am dreading it. Dreading the dress. Yes, its a "6" and I am proud to fit in it but we're sitting at a table with mom's of one child. Those of you who have more remember how you "bounced back" after one. By 7 weeks, I was sitting comfortably in my jeans from pre-prenancy. Now, well...I just threw those jeans away.

So with low self-esteem, and lack of work outs and no nutritional value to my day I must drag myself up to shower and get dressed. I am afraid I am going to fail at my lifestyle change. I am afraid I am going to fail at my choice to exercise daily. I am afraid I am going to look horrendous in my clothes. I am just plain afraid. My husband's response was to be happy for what I have and grow up. Okay, I will take the be happy with what I have but the grow up hurt. Women are so different from men. Its not a maturity thing, its an esteem issue.

As mom's we lose so much of ourselves in our children (and as I watch them, I am grateful for them) but I also wonder....how can I boost myself, my esteem and teach them to do the same. How can I keep me and still give my all to them?

Wish me luck. Luck for a decent night. Luck for feeling like I can hold my head up and be proud to say "I am a stay at home mom" and go out in public (in the said dress), and luck for getting back in the wagon tomorrow...even if it does take a fork lift. For truly I know, to give my girls good self-esteem, to give of myself to them, I need to be in a good place, and today...I'm just afraid I can't find it.