First of all, a shout out to my own mommy - she's who coined the title for today's post. Thanks, Mom! :)
I mentioned a few days ago that I was working on a post about what I'm calling the "Plexiglass Effect." Well, here it is......it's still a work in progress, and I'd love to hear your thoughts regarding it. Leave a comment or send an email if you feel motivated to!
So, what exactly am I talking about? Remember last week when I posted about being in recovery mode? That's when the idea started taking shape. I was on the phone with my mom, and was telling her how exhausted I was from not really slowing down when everyone was sick. I had jumped back, feet first, into "mom" mode when I started feeling even remotely better. I wasn't 100%, but I was back to running errands, doing laundry, caring for the kids, etc. (It wasn't just me - Mike did as much as he could, but he took longer to recover than I did). This conversation led to a discussion about how we, as moms, hear all this advice about putting ourselves first and making time for ourselves, but so very often, we smile and nod and completely ignore the advice. In my mom's words, we "put a piece of Plexiglass between us and the advice giver, and it LOOKS like we're listening, but really we can't hear them."
I got to thinking about this over the next week, and asked many of you your thoughts. Some of you felt the same way I did - we heard all this advice and it made us feel guilty about not taking it. We listened to it, but didn't take the advice, and not taking the advice made us feel guilty. Some of you felt like the Plexiglass was a tool for your own happiness - you could appear to be listening, but you purposefully didn't take the advice and you were happy with that. I found it really interesting how different the responses were.
In my own life, I definitely use the Plexiglass.....I hear all of this advice about how I should:
-have a career
-further my education
-spend every waking moment playing with and engaging my children
-cook interesting, healthy meals ALL the time
-go out once a week just for me, like take a class, go get coffee, etc
-make time to read or for hobbies
-disinfect every toy
-never turn on the TV
-work out every day
.....and so on......
For me, I hear all of these words of advice, and I rarely ever take them. Sure, I listen and I smile and nod, but do I ever do any of those things on that list? Nope...and it makes me feel bad about myself. I feel like less of a human being because I don't have a post-graduate degree, or I didn't have a "career" before being a mom, or that I don't plan a craft or educational experience every day for my children. I feel guilty that I don't workout every day - heck, I hardly shower every other day! - or that I do use the electronic babysitter (ahem, the TV) on a daily basis so I can have 30 minutes (sometimes an hour) of peace.
All of those things lessen my self-worth. I feel bad that I'm not living up to this "mom" ideal - or even a "woman" ideal. Do I regret not having a career outside the home? Yeah, sometimes. I feel like I wasted the years I was at college because that degree is pretty useless in my life right now. At the same time, the fact that I'm not keeping a perfectly clean house or making home made meals every night makes me feel guilty and bad about myself. I just can't seem to win, if the game is played based on all of rules (advice) floating around out there.
It's frustrating. I used to joke that feminism (well, the side effects of the feminist movement) caused my depression. While that is purely a joke, sometimes I wonder what my life - and my self-worth - would be like if I wasn't being told that I could be whatever I wanted and could work whatever job that I wanted? If I wasn't told that I needed to have a career to be successful, would I be happier as a stay-at-home mom? I've always wanted to be a mom. I remember getting into arguments in my women's lit. classes in college that it was OKAY to be a stay at home mom. I was actually told by another female student that I wouldn't be living up to my potential and would be selling myself short if I married, had children, and stayed home with them. The Plexiglass effect to me was displayed in that college class - I listened, smiled and nodded, and totally disregarded that advice.
To an extent....
There will always be a part of me that wonders if I chose the right path, or if could have "done" or "been" so much more if I didn't become a mom. There will always be a part of me that hears all that advice given to girls to go get a degree, have a career, set your sights high, etc, and wonders if it isn't backfiring in the minds of some of those girls, like it did in my mind. Will they forever hear that advice and choose not to follow it, like I did, but constantly doubt their self worth from that moment on, like I do?
I wish I could be like those of you who use the Plexiglass to their advantage. You're very strong women!! I admire you.
For me, the Plexiglass is almost a curse, and I can't seem to break it. I'll keep plugging away, the best I can, but I think it will forever be something that I struggle with.
How about you?
I totally understand what you mean...but in the total opposite sense. I feel like I'm looked down on because I chose to come back to work after Paige was born. So many of our friends are dead-set on the stay @ home mom gig, and can't understand why I would choose to give that up. It's simple...I was miserable! I have such an admiration for women like you that can stay home with their children and maintain sanity (somewhat, at least)! I felt myself sinking into depression and was beginning to resent my kids for being the reason I wasn't at work anymore. I hear all the time, "I don't know how you do it. I want to make sure that I'm a part of every aspect of my child's life." Which makes me think...are these people insinuating (sp?) that I don't want to be a part of my children's lives?
ReplyDeleteIt comes down to this...you can't please everyone, so make sure you're pleasing yourself. Do I think you're capable of an incredible career? Absolutely! But, if you're happy at home with your boys then who cares?! You'll have all the time in the world to get a job/go back to school when they're all in school full-time. And even if you choose not to go back to work when they're all in school, it's nobody's business but yours and Mike's.
(Stop nodding and blocking out what I just said...) :o)
Heidi - does what you do every day make you feel like you're fulfilling your mission here on Earth in this life? Could you do any more without losing your sanity? Do you want to take a class? Do you want to go out for coffee without your children or take any other advice? The answers are unique to each person. The way I got rid of (most) of the guilt was to look inside myself - what is important to me and how do I want to achieve my goals?
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of noise out there today. The only person you have to satisfy is yourself. Let others do their thing and you do yours.
There's a Jewish story that I'm copying here:
Reb Zusha was on his death bed, and tears were streaming down his face. "Why are you crying?" asked his disciples. "If God asks me why I wasnt like Moses or Maimonides," answered Reb Zusha, "Ill say, I wasnt blessed with that kind of leadership ability and wisdom." But Im afraid of another question," continued Reb Zusha, "what if God asks, Reb Zusha, why werent you like Reb Zusha? Why didnt you find your inner being and realize your inner potential? Why didnt you find yourself? That is why I am crying."
We should all find our inner being and realize our own unique potential - but driving ourselves crazy to live up to a perceived ideal isn't part of this!
Hugs to all the mamas out there who are doing wonderful work every day!
Heidi, I have a lot of the same thoughts about what I'm doing with my life, although I won't go into it at present. I have plenty of wreckage in my past, and lots of regrets. Another story. I understand "the Plexiglass effect" all too well, because while it may seem like there is great external pressure to live your life a certain way, in truth it is all internal pressure to live up to an unattainable ideal, and until you've broken through it, there aren't enough words in the world to coax you through.
ReplyDeleteYou may question what you want to do with your life, which is part of the human condition. ("Who am I, and what am I here to do?")You can feel like having children is a constant balancing act, in the midst of this searching, that you are all too well acquainted with every day... Both an inspiration and a challenge in your devotion to them and their development, and finding time for you and the big picture of your life. Ideally, there's an integration of these things, and children are all part of our own growth, too. There may be lots of advice out there about how you should live your life or raise your children, and (my advice!) is to try to take the best and leave the rest. Let it go. There is a lot of grasping for meaning, especially in our culture, when maybe the meaning of it all is right here in front of us in the love we have for each other. Gandhi had once said, "It is not so important what you do, as that you do it." We are drawn to what is important; we don't need someone else to tell us what that is. It's not a particular job, a particular degree...it's whatever decision we make at the time that is right at that moment. We do the best we can, with what we know at the time.
I believe that life unfolds as it is supposed to, not as you think it is supposed to (if that makes sense). One of the phrases that came to mind when reading your post was one I learned from a therapist years ago: "Stop 'shoulding' all over yourself."
I've had plenty of women's studies classes, studied much feminist thought, and met a lot of people with a lot of opinions about how women should live their lives. As your friends have stated above, there is no right path for everyone, just the right path for you. For what it's worth, in the more post-feminist world of feminism, it is recognized that what is traditionally thought of as "women's work" (i.e. as a SAHM or Dad) IS work, and maybe the most important work in the world. I don't mean that in the Hallmark Mother's Day card kind of way, either. Mothering is essentially a feminist activity, and any effort to portray women as incomplete without this or that experience is an exercise in misogyny (even by other women).What you do every day deserves the utmost respect, recognition and support. Be gentle with yourself.
I do hope that this comment is coherent; it's 2am, I'm exhausted, and SHOULD be in bed.